I am a people pleaser by fault. Always have been. I recall being in elementary and crying when I misspelled a word in a spelling bee competition. I thought I failed my mom and dad as they watched me in the audience along with the entire elementary school. I thought I failed my teacher for practicing so hard all those weeks and then bombing my first word. I look back now and I know it was sheer nervousness, but I will never forget that day. I suppose you could say I was as sore loser. I am very competitive and aside from the good Lord above, my biggest fear would have to be failure. I never like to disappoint anyone and while learning to live for God has been a difficult journey to say the least, I am trying my hardest to also love myself and not worry what other people think so much. If I disappoint my parents, my friends, my employers...then so be it! Life goes on and I need to stop living my life for everyone else and that even...*gasp*...includes my son. I mean that in the most minimalist way of course. Mathias comes first before anyone or anything, always and forever, but I have just recently discovered that Mommy needs to be happy too. And if I'm happy and love myself, then that will reflect in my child and in turn he will be happy. It's a two-way street. Yes, I just discovered that. What can I say. I'm a mother! ;) I just assumed that giving the best and only the best for my son will in turn make me happy. Not true. All the money in the world and all the attention and affection I shower him and him alone will just shelter him and cause me to be drained as well. I need to learn to take for myself once in awhile too and to just LIVE.
Build Courage to Follow Your Heart
It's easier said than done, but these past few months have been hard on me emotionally and mentally. I can't say that every decision I made was the right one, but I do know that my intentions were good and that has to account for something. One decision I made however, was followed by the immediate outcome of another. Unfortunately, that particular turn of events caused a very dear friend of mine to leave Colorado, my home...to be in the Midwest, his home. Needless to say, I am sad. Today was a sad day. I smiled at work and in front of others, but inside I was heartbroken. Inside I was torn. If there were such thing as best actor award at my company; I would have surely received it. I had the cheery-Lisa face on all day and the world bought it. It was hard, but I endured. It was actually a bittersweet feeling. Happiness and hopefulness for my friend, but a longing and emptiness within myself. I think Tony Rich and Kevin Sharp sang it best with the song, Nobody Knows. Anyway, I type all this jargon for the sole purpose of venting. Tomorrow morning will be another day and God-willing the feelings of sadness will dissipate and I will feel refreshed and ready to tackle on whatever God has in store for me for the remainder of the week.
But for tonight...tonight I vent. Tonight I cry. Tonight I don't really give a hoot what anyone else thinks. Tonight I am missing my dear friend very much. :( I wish him well and a thousand blessings...
